12:27 am

I'm not ready to show people yet how I really am. Close friends of mine already percieve me as heartless. There were times were I would praise myself, thanking the lords that they did not ask for emotional comfort as I know I would suck at giving it to them. I knew that there would be certain situations that I wanted to tell them that I indeed, do feel. Sometimes not as strongly or sometimes even more. It is a blessing and a curse, he said. To be oblivious with the emotions of surrounding people you hold up a wall, but the curse is that none will understand. 

And when I say none, I mean none. 

Humans are not creatures of logic, they are creatures of emotion. To what they feel right, they do not think. 

I've been feeling a lot these days. The absence of friends, the absence of him and the need to actually go out and do things. It frustrates me that I'm feeling this much. Where is the wall I needed? 

My family is slowly breaking apart, my mothers screams rattling against the doors and the tinkling of my dads wine glass. It would be a daily reminder that things in this household is not normal. 

"Please support me." She said, her whispers so soft. Occasional 4 am talks about how wretched her life is. 

Maybe a time by time thing of, "Do not ever marry." A marraige gone wrong, my mind divided in two separate parts of logic that I can't comprehend. 

"Don't go anywhere." She had said, and I wonder where could I do? The chains of emotions are so strong. People do not understand, and I don't expect them to. 

I feel too, but in a household of very emotional people it is best to be let those feelings go unnoticed. The annoyance must be covered with obedience and the frustration must be swept away by responsibility of "supporting people". 

I can't support myself emotionally, and here I am trying to make do for a 44 year old woman and a 45 year old man who can't come to equal terms. A tug of war between both.

I do not like feeling weak, telling myself that it does not help. These people need pushing up and being weak will be a sign of selfishness. 

It has been hours since I've cut myself and the feeling is indeed calming. Pain. They said isn't healthy. Well, they are wrong. The pain sears up ever so slightly and you can feel yourself hit realization that you're human. 

But it does help. 

Goodnight. 

Sorry

"You bring people close then push them away." 

"You have responsibilities to uphold." 

"Stop treating people like a project to complete."

"Broken people don't need your help if you'll just break them again in the end." 

"Don't drag them into your cobwebs of self complication." 

"The only reason why you listen to other people's problems is just to deny your own." 

"Coward." 

"You treat emotions as if it was a crime." 

"Hypocrite." 

"Throw things away but learn to understand that none will understand you as I do." 

"Stop saving people." 

"Save yourself." 

"Be a little more useful to the uselessness you radiate." 

Well, I'm sorry. 

Six

One of the worst six months basis I've ever had. Mostly due to family issues and the cheating, lying going on I've been living the life of a teenage girl. 

This is as far as isolation goes and I'm glad it is working fairly lovingly for me. Ah, the privacy of thoughts and being in your own haven of secrecy that barriers everyone away from your judgement and ideals of things. Yes, grumpiness as well, actually. Sometimes the lack of social events and human physical contact can do that to you, but it's refreshing the moment it collapses. 

Like a moth coming out of it's cacoon. 

I've been talking only to Edward these days, about his life and also his job. He says he has a part time job now that pays a decent sum. 

Sherlock has been my open door these days, drowning myself to the sound of his voice and the soundtracks that ever so escalates by note and increases rushing of adrenaline for a few moments in time while watching him huff and puff and solve murders. 

Goodnight.