Memories- Poem

I'm walking barefoot through memories

A mix of cotton, sand and glass

A mix of mud, pure water, and tears 

A mix of happiness, sadness and regret

I'm walking barefoot through memories

Saying hello to the people I used to know

Hoping that they are doing fine 

Wishing them good luck 

I'm walking barefoot through memories

Letting go of people I haven't been able to forget in awhile 

Because there were no more goodbyes

There was just slow distance 

I'm walking barefoot through memories

A journey that ends with an open door 

The future awaits and slowly 

I stop 

I walked barefoot through memories 

And here I'm at the end with a lock 

And a key

I then do what I have to do 

I walked barefoot through memories 

And I close the door afterwards

With tears running down my face 

With a smile, telling myself to let go 

I walked barefoot through memories

And I don't think I'll come back anytime soon 

 

No.

"You're lonely." 

After the loss of multiple close friends that I probably won't reconcile with any sooner, that sentence comes up and makes me feel like a weak person. 

I have no idea if I'm lonely or not. If I am, I'm content with it. Being alone and thinking alone. Maybe talking alone to myself, and just plainly... Being alone. 

Goes back right? To the fact that there aren't many who can accept me the way I am. 

Many who expect more from me, much more than I can ever give. 

I think once you're content being alone, nothing will ever make you feel like you're missing a part of yourself.  

I'm not missing a part of myself, I've just lost my mind. 

12:27 am

I'm not ready to show people yet how I really am. Close friends of mine already percieve me as heartless. There were times were I would praise myself, thanking the lords that they did not ask for emotional comfort as I know I would suck at giving it to them. I knew that there would be certain situations that I wanted to tell them that I indeed, do feel. Sometimes not as strongly or sometimes even more. It is a blessing and a curse, he said. To be oblivious with the emotions of surrounding people you hold up a wall, but the curse is that none will understand. 

And when I say none, I mean none. 

Humans are not creatures of logic, they are creatures of emotion. To what they feel right, they do not think. 

I've been feeling a lot these days. The absence of friends, the absence of him and the need to actually go out and do things. It frustrates me that I'm feeling this much. Where is the wall I needed? 

My family is slowly breaking apart, my mothers screams rattling against the doors and the tinkling of my dads wine glass. It would be a daily reminder that things in this household is not normal. 

"Please support me." She said, her whispers so soft. Occasional 4 am talks about how wretched her life is. 

Maybe a time by time thing of, "Do not ever marry." A marraige gone wrong, my mind divided in two separate parts of logic that I can't comprehend. 

"Don't go anywhere." She had said, and I wonder where could I do? The chains of emotions are so strong. People do not understand, and I don't expect them to. 

I feel too, but in a household of very emotional people it is best to be let those feelings go unnoticed. The annoyance must be covered with obedience and the frustration must be swept away by responsibility of "supporting people". 

I can't support myself emotionally, and here I am trying to make do for a 44 year old woman and a 45 year old man who can't come to equal terms. A tug of war between both.

I do not like feeling weak, telling myself that it does not help. These people need pushing up and being weak will be a sign of selfishness. 

It has been hours since I've cut myself and the feeling is indeed calming. Pain. They said isn't healthy. Well, they are wrong. The pain sears up ever so slightly and you can feel yourself hit realization that you're human. 

But it does help. 

Goodnight. 

Sorry

"You bring people close then push them away." 

"You have responsibilities to uphold." 

"Stop treating people like a project to complete."

"Broken people don't need your help if you'll just break them again in the end." 

"Don't drag them into your cobwebs of self complication." 

"The only reason why you listen to other people's problems is just to deny your own." 

"Coward." 

"You treat emotions as if it was a crime." 

"Hypocrite." 

"Throw things away but learn to understand that none will understand you as I do." 

"Stop saving people." 

"Save yourself." 

"Be a little more useful to the uselessness you radiate." 

Well, I'm sorry. 

Six

One of the worst six months basis I've ever had. Mostly due to family issues and the cheating, lying going on I've been living the life of a teenage girl. 

This is as far as isolation goes and I'm glad it is working fairly lovingly for me. Ah, the privacy of thoughts and being in your own haven of secrecy that barriers everyone away from your judgement and ideals of things. Yes, grumpiness as well, actually. Sometimes the lack of social events and human physical contact can do that to you, but it's refreshing the moment it collapses. 

Like a moth coming out of it's cacoon. 

I've been talking only to Edward these days, about his life and also his job. He says he has a part time job now that pays a decent sum. 

Sherlock has been my open door these days, drowning myself to the sound of his voice and the soundtracks that ever so escalates by note and increases rushing of adrenaline for a few moments in time while watching him huff and puff and solve murders. 

Goodnight. 

:)

Just because someone doesn't think the same way you do doesn't mean it's wrong. 

Just because someone doesn't react the same way as you want them to does not mean it is wrong. 

And just because someone doesn't fit into your ideal world of perfection does not mean that they have to change to do so. 

Fights at home are due to the lack of rationality of the situation and all you ever do is throw a fit of a mood that affects everyone. Then it all goes to the point where you say:

 "If other daughters..." 

"If only you were someone else.."

But I'm not someone else and maybe the fact that I have a dead pan face to everything makes it my fault. But emotions are not something just completely show people because it leaves you bare and vulnerable. 

Maybe thats why they all say you must have at least one problem. If it wasn't for family issues everything would be settled and none of us would have to feel so suffocated just staying at home. 

Skyler always said I had a cycle, between 6-8 months of a journey. For 6-8 months it would be total silence and keeping things in then when I would reach the breaking point of 6-8 months that would be the season of starvation and blood spill. I never really cared much about his words but it is starting to dawn to me that maybe he was right. 

So that would be the preparation every 6-8 months. Hiding razors, stocking up food, and going out with friends. But now that I'm stuck between the four walls, I find myself suffocated and trapped because my family does not know about this. There are people suffering more than I am, yes. But that is exactly the point why my family always saw me as the older responsible daughter who had to carry their burden in times of emotional trauma. 

I don't want to go through anymore wet pillows and scratches on my wrists. And these days it's getting worse with the amount of tension with the household. 

I know I'll be fine though, for the sake of my sister. I just must keep reminding myself that there are more people suffering than I am and being emotionally troubled won't help. 

Goodnight. x